everything is fucked up. everything hurts. and it all just begins again tomorrow. i'm not making excuses, it's all because of the pain. it would be easier to be dead. can anybody remember why exactly we bother to wake up everyday?
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Boston
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Re: back to reality
Fri, February 8, 2008 - 5:27 PMsometimes the only thing that gets me up in the morning is arrogance. not very noble i admit, but true. i have clients to see, students to teach, and i know i'm good at it. very good. damn good.
so, in pain, and anger at times, and arrogance, i get my sknny ass out of bed and try to face another day.
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Re: back to reality
Fri, February 8, 2008 - 6:09 PMSometimes it's only because other people need (or think they need) me. Regardless of how misguided I believe their affections are, I know that they have them and that my leaving would cause them pain. Having such an intimate experience with pain, I don't want to give it to anyone else if I can help it. This is the legacy of my grandmother: I will never hurt my family this way. That and a teapot and some knitting needles, but they're not nearly as profound.
It's so strange - the idea of suicide comes in the guise of something rational, a solution to the constant unsolved equation called pain that is always tugging at my sleeve. It's an unacceptable solution that always pops up when I'm scrambling around for relief. Like when you're rummaging through your sock drawer for a mate to the one in your hand, and you keep grabbing the same hideously wrong sock.
So, on the bad days, I wake up because of love. And sometimes there are cookies.
I wish you whatever relief you can get, Zanne.
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Re: back to reality
Fri, February 8, 2008 - 10:08 PMI get my happy ass out of bed because every breath I take irritates the hell out of some people. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of me taking my own life. My Worst day in pain is still better than taking away their irritation. I also think that at some point, near or far, the day will come when a cure is found. a proceedure is made that will make me pain free. Every day I have to believe that we are one step closer to learning how to control and contain pain. Till then I intend to continue breathing. -
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Re: back to reality
Sat, February 9, 2008 - 12:32 AM
i feel like i am surviving, not living -
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Re: back to reality
Sat, February 9, 2008 - 1:29 PMZanne
I havve been down your path. Rather, I am still down your path. In my experience, when I felt that way, there was an emotional component of my pain that I was not addressing, which was manifesting as what I percieved as pain.
Do not be afraid to address anything that presents itself for examination, no matter how scary. You must clear the blocked energy and learn to resonate with your light being, and you will overcome this.
LOVE TO ALL
dave -
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Re: back to reality
Sun, February 10, 2008 - 10:36 PMwow, thanks everyone. i wasn't really looking for support and i didn't think it would help so much, but it did. i just need to take it all in for a minute. ahh... there is strength here yet.
oh yeah, and fuck the pain! -
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Re: back to reality
Sun, February 10, 2008 - 10:41 PM
Dave, I can't even tell you how literally this occurred for me this time around. well, I could tell you and maybe I will but it will take a minute. Anyway - the short story is my most recent flare up was basically resolved when I realized and dealt with this lingering issue with my fella. it's incredible, anyway, maybe mas pronto -
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Re: back to reality
Mon, February 11, 2008 - 10:55 AMPerfect!
Find and do some chakra cleansing meditations, and become familiar with the location in your body that you store emotions and beliefs about various issues. Then, take a look at what you are storing there.
Good luck on your journey! -
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Re: back to reality
Tue, February 12, 2008 - 4:50 PMYou know, I used to write off the whole mind-body thing as new-age farce, but have learned otherwise.
Now I use meditation to deal with the more harsh, breakaway pain. I have learned to breathe, meet the pain, study it, deconstruct it, and redefine it's smaller parts in a way that allows me to experience the pain from an outside perspective.
Its like separating your awareness from your body, then using that awareness to observe your body as a bio-mechanical wonder. This exercise helps me keep moving.
That and some Oxycontin. ;-)
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Re: back to reality
Mon, February 11, 2008 - 12:08 PMi know how you guys feel. i have been in chronic overwhelming pain for 8 years after crashing my paragider and losing a leg among many other injuries. i was 50 at the time. i'd had a wonderfull life.now i'm barely mobile.
the only reason i am still here is because of my 7 year old son. i love him so much and he loves me. i can't bear the thought of scarring him for life.
i also pray for new painkillers to be developed that will help to free us all.
it will happen. it's just a matter of time.
best of luck to all of you.
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Re: back to reality
Wed, February 13, 2008 - 1:43 PMFor your child ? Can you not get proper pain control? My heart goes out to you. Best wishes. Please remember some days are really really bad and tomorrow might? be better.I hope so...ich aka john -
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Re: back to reality
Sun, May 25, 2008 - 12:23 PMIt's been really hard to find a reason to live sometimes. No one needs me, thankfully. I have no reason to suffer everyday without a moment where everything doesn't hurt.
It feels like treading water for 7 years. -
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Re: back to reality
Sun, May 25, 2008 - 6:44 PMOh my poor dear. I know the Red Sox lost today, but not to fret. It's only May.
I feel your pain. Many years ago I sought desperate measures to end my pain, but found none. I had no career, no skills (except for consuming massive quantities of powdery white substances.) Today my pains are much different in nature, yet I feel some strength to do battle that I did not have the first time at the abyss. Every day, I am in pain and fog. I am in the midst of a total and complete redefinition of my life. No longer am I the competitive athlete. No longer am I the musician playing in a band. No longer do I add and subtract numbers in an accounting department. I am still a father, yet my daughter is almost out on her own. Soon. After that, what am I? I write. I read. I think. I write. I create with my limited abilities, but to the best of those abilities. Some days, I can barely get out of bed. Some days, I can get out and function somewhat, but slow and deliberate, and with frequent rests. And should a day pass that I feel 'almost' human, I sieze the day! Carpe Diem! Today was one of those days!
My physical health has been declining for some time now, so much to the point that I took 8 weeks off from work thinking all I needed was a good rest. Not so. I went back to work when I said I would, and then threw in the towel and left since I could no longer perform my duties in a timely manner at a certain level of quality. On my last day of work, I received a pair of tickets to a baseball game for my 5 years of service! The Red Sox come to Oakland every year and it's no secret they are my team. Today was the day of the game. Yesterday, I felt like shit. Previously, I had just had a couple of not-so-bad days, so I was expecting to not feel well at all today. Despite the loss to the A's :-( it was a great day! I gave the other ticket to a baseball freak friend, the weather was great, and the day was great! I'm home now and achy as all get out, but with a smile on my face. A smile on my face hoping it may transcend these wires and find it's way to you.
Hang in there, my friend. We will survive. We will get by. We are everywhere.
Peace & Smiles,
Dave
PS~ Don't forget about Manny! He's at #498, but #500 will happen soon!
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