I totally get that.

When I want to die, it is not that I want to die, but that I want to change a situation.

Is there any possibility that there is a sitiuation that you feel you cannot change, andwant to escape? (Other than the obvious one).

I am asking because empaths have a high incidence of carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, and the weight is heavy now.

My heart goes out to you. I have been there I think. At those times I wanted only that the pain end and killing myself often seemed like the only thing that would work. The ice or heat packs and drugs were not doing it. I do not know why I did not hang myself. How I withstood it I honestly cannot tell you. I did. That is all. I did endure. Not by strength of will or personal strength of any kind. I am not that tough. But I did endure those horrible periods because I had no choice. It was forced upon me and I had no choice but to take. No medals for me. I am no hero. I had no choice.The pain was there with me and there was nothing I could do about it. And even one half hour of that bad pain would exhaust me completely.And I lay there until the pain faded a bit.The rest helped I guess or the extra drugs kicked in.....good luck to you..Please read my posts about IMS therapy and go to www.istop.org. if it feels right.....that's all..best wishes...john woodward

Two questions please. Why will doc not give better pain medication and why do you not get a new doc? Thanks. I am very grateful to have Oxycodone. With it I could have a life and function well enough to keep seeking the cause of my pain and the solution(if there was one) to that cause. In November 2006 I hit a bottom.There was a bad snow storm here and my MD could not get to his office. I ran out of painkillers and muscle relaxants. MY body reacted very profoundly to this sudden cut off. I stopped doing anything. I don't know why. The MD's said I was depressed. It was the low point of a long slow(5 years of doing the best I could) decline. I stopped eating and washing and drinking(any liquid) and talking(why-I do not know). I spent 5 days alone in my apartment picking bugs off the carpet even though I knew there were no bugs just bits of fabric. I knew something was wrong but could do nothing about it. I was horribly cold but only wore jeans and an old raggy,stained long sleeved t-shirt. I knew what was going to happen ie my sister would come over and see me and I would be taken to the hospital> I knew this but could do nothing but wander the apartment and stare at the walls and then pick more non existent bugs off the floor. If the phone rang I ignored it. Friends left messages but I would just stare at the machine for an hour or two.Time seemed to stop or fly by. I would look at my watch at say 2 oclock and then when I looked again it would be 5 oclock and I was still in the same position shivering and I had no sense of the passing of three hours-it seemed like a few seconds. On day 4 or 5 of this the phone rang again and I did pick it up but said nothing. It was my sister,Kathy. She asked if I was there,was I ok,why had I not answered her messages. I said nothing. She said she was coming over. I hung up. It seemed like only a second and I heard her car. I did let her in. She looked at me and started crying and called 911. When the medics arrived I fought with them but I was very weak and no match for two healthy younger trained guys and I was 40 pounds lighter than my normal 175 pounds. I was admitted immediately and placed on IV drip for dehydration and imbalanced electrolytes. I spent 4 days in emergency intensive care and then,as the diagnosis was depression due to pain I was transferred to the psych ward as an involuntary patient(involuntary meant I could not leave or refuse treatment,I was basically incarcerated and that was a shock. I started to get really pissed off at having my freedom taken from me.) I was given oxycodone for pain,olanzipine for spasm,an antidepressant and a heavy tranquilizer. It was all ok because with this combination of drugs I was not in pain..thank christ for that. I did not talk for the first 5 days except to tell the pretty, curvacious occupational therapist to fuck off and stop bothering me about going to group discussions and art therapy and so on..She was good looking and cheerful and she really pissed me off with all her questions about what I liked to do and which groups I would like to attend. I was very run down and exhausted(I could not take care of myself properly and had lost more than 25% of my body weight-muscle- I looked bad and skinny) but all I wanted from her was the sound of her moaning as I fucked her. This was a very strange time for me BUT I was getting examined by doctors and observed by nurses and I was getting pain relief and I had company( I shared a room with 4 other men-2 of whom were also named John) and I did not have to do anything except eat,take pills and sleep. I started to like it there and after a week of phone calls to friends to get me the hell out of there I started to relax and like having no responsibilities.I didn't even have to wash myself or shave if I didn't want to. And the drugs kept coming on a regular schedule and were free--hallelujah!!..The nurses kept reporting I was limping and seemed to be in serious pain and thank god or whomever or what ever the doctor given me believed me when I nodded 'yes'(still not talking) to his question-"Are you in pain?" "Is the pain bad?". I would nod for 'yes'. That doctor told me I would be given whatever dose I needed to assure that I was not in pain...BLESS the MAN!!!BLESS THE MAN--music to my ears. I began to hope again.....more to come if anyone wants to read it..thank you for reading this and bless you and may guidance be given you to find relief and peace....god bless you...buddha bless you ..I bless you all-my brothers and sisters in pain..bless you ,bless you,bless you...I have come a long way from the shaking skinny pale mess picking bugs off the floor and I am now going out into the afternoon sun for a bike ride and some girl watching----enjoy!!! and carpe diem...later.