So my mom was visiting from out of state. My friends and I take her to Venice Beach, where we spend the day eating, walking up and down the promenade, and on the beach out to the water. Several hours into this exercise, I noticed that my mom was struggling to continue, though she would never say anything. Meanwhile, the left side of my low back, just where the sacroiliac joints are, was beginning to spasm up and to be painful with each step taken. We stopped for an ice cream, and were going to head to "muscle beach." At this point, I chimed in and said that I was ready to get off my feet. We headed for the car.
Relieved to be through with the torture that standing and walking for extended periods gives me, we then did some other tourist activities that were not so taxing.
Then, later on, my friend, who once deluded me into thinking that he loved me unconditionally, informed me that he had suffered an anger attack because he had wanted to show my mom "muscle beach," and that he supressed his anger toward me when I expressed the need to stop standing and walking.
This is the reason that I never go anywhere without my car, and why I stopped going to crowded places where there is no seating long, long ago. I never know when of where the pain will get to the point where it will cross my threshold of tolerance. I am still in a state of shock that this happened, that he is unable to process in his brain that I am in constant, irretractable pain, and that every step is a chore.
Without revisiting the debate about how insensitive people are, I am asking for assistance or ideas about how I might once again purge this from my life. I have to forgive my friend. I have to protect myself and refuse invitations to do things or to go places where this issue might raise its ugly head again. This is emotional pain that I just do not need.
Relieved to be through with the torture that standing and walking for extended periods gives me, we then did some other tourist activities that were not so taxing.
Then, later on, my friend, who once deluded me into thinking that he loved me unconditionally, informed me that he had suffered an anger attack because he had wanted to show my mom "muscle beach," and that he supressed his anger toward me when I expressed the need to stop standing and walking.
This is the reason that I never go anywhere without my car, and why I stopped going to crowded places where there is no seating long, long ago. I never know when of where the pain will get to the point where it will cross my threshold of tolerance. I am still in a state of shock that this happened, that he is unable to process in his brain that I am in constant, irretractable pain, and that every step is a chore.
Without revisiting the debate about how insensitive people are, I am asking for assistance or ideas about how I might once again purge this from my life. I have to forgive my friend. I have to protect myself and refuse invitations to do things or to go places where this issue might raise its ugly head again. This is emotional pain that I just do not need.
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Los Angeles
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Wed, October 3, 2007 - 1:26 PMDave, I struggle often in the sames ways, and so have no great answers, but a couple of ideas that have helped me.
One thing I do is gently badger my friends with reminders of what to expect of me. When we do go out, especially to places that might be painful, I remind them with warnings about my limits before we go. It's humbling and even embarrassing sometimes, but it has worked for me- pain has taught me many things about being humble! I also give them updates like, Hey guys, I'm not going to last too much longer... Maybe next time (ug! I know.) ya'll could plan on the ways to spend your strength and steps BEFORE things got too painful. Maybe, if he had told you how important it was to show off Muscle Beach, you could've gotten yourself there before things got bad - he didn't think to tell you beforehand, maybe you could ask?
You say that you have to forgive your friend (and I agree), and I'm sorry to go cliche on you, but don't you really have to forgive yourself too? I often need to forgive myself for having such limits, because it DOES disgust me. I always feel guilty & stupid for making my friends always do what I want, where I want, and for how long I want. I make rude jokes about myself as the "gimpy one" and it always hurts and drains ME in the end. So, now I try to remind myself that the pain is MY burden and whatever I have learned to ease it, I must use that, knowing that I need it, and that I fucking deserve it. Forgiving him also will only help you in the end, so at first do it for your damn self, because YOU certainly do deserve it. There is no room for more pain in your life.
Ok, I know you know, but in the end, they just DON't feel this horrible fucking pain - they don't know. Could any of us have understood before we felt it? In that way, your friend is rude and completely insensitive, but it is out of ignorance - he just doesn't know what it feels like to have a clue. He doesn't deserve your mercy for being an ass, but maybe it will help you to give forgiveness to think of yourself as the guru of pain and him as the ignorant student.
Lastly, I'm sorry if he is dear to you, but FUCK HIM! not literally, bro :) Seriously, he has only shown himself to be insensitive and ignorant, not to mention mean. I'm sorry that you got such horribleness from someone who is so close to you, but please be gentle with yourself, because HE is the one that fucked up, not you.
May peace and strength find you tonight.
Zanne -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Wed, October 3, 2007 - 2:23 PMAll good points, and all true.
I will now be precise in my agreements to go places and do things, and will issue the needed warnings beforehand.
You are correct in that had I known that the issue was to go to Muscle Beach, I would have been happy to sit somewhere and wait on them while they did the tourist thing. No problem. The subject was not even raised.
And yeah, fuck him, he claims to not have known that I was in pain and yet I have continually voiced my frustration with my inability to escape it so there is no way that he could NOT have known.
The forgiveness part is hard, because I just want things to be as they were between us.
The bigger issue that has been raised in my consciousness is that I am disabled, no matter how moderately, and this is disturbing because I try and try and try to fool myself into believing that I can do whatever I want whenever I want, and the truth is, that I cannot.
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 8:17 AMWell said..kudos to you...john aka ich
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Thu, October 4, 2007 - 12:41 PMHi Dave,
Hey, Im sorry that happened to you. I know how frustrating this all is. I mean
no one feels worse about our limitations than us, and then to have someone
we love show there annoyance just is enough to make me cry. I try and see
that they are upset with the pain, not me. But since I am always in pain, than
they are upset with me in a way because that is who I am! I hope you feel
better soon, and work things out with your friend if that is what you want to do.
Love and Light,
Kathleen -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Thu, October 4, 2007 - 12:45 PMThank you so much.
Of course I want it to work out, I love him utterly and completely.
It has been a great opportunity to take a step back and to rest and self-examine.
And right on schedule, after the depths of darkness became intolerable, sure enough the ascension began into a new, higher level of awareness.
What an amazing time to be alive.
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Mon, October 8, 2007 - 11:47 PMI think you answered your own question ie "I have to forgive my friend" and "I have to protect myself and" . I have to remind myself that most people simply have not had the experience that permits them to actually comprehend 'constant severe pain'. In my opinion they CANNOT understand it and knowing this allows me to forgive them and forgive myself for getting so upset and frustrated and pissed off with them. I appreciate the pain tribe because there are folks here who do get it. Best wishes...john aka ich -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Mon, October 22, 2007 - 11:53 AMUpdate:
Last night, I was snuggling with my friend in the papasan chair, because he is in extreme pain from working out really hard to "get in shape" for a winter trip to the Bahamas. He just looked at me with this pitiful face and complained about being in so much self-inflicted pain, and then asked me how I do it. I told him that some days are better than others.
And while I would not have ever wished this sequence of events on him or on anybody else, maybe, just MAYBE he has a better understanding now about this situation.
P.S. I still love him. -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Mon, October 22, 2007 - 1:06 PMGreat news, Dave!
Another thing I do alot is let people know when they are doing things right - like positive reinforcement, because I reckon it can be confusing for those people who we love. Maybe it would be good for him to hear from you how meaningful it was for him to say that (?????????)
Hope is alive again!
The snuggling must have been some very good "medicine" for you. May you have many more happy moments with him.
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Sun, November 4, 2007 - 11:51 PMthems without it just can't get it
even the most compassionate ones
ya have to be here to know
my friends just drifted away
after i kept saying i can't do that
giving them a heads up is a good start though best of luck with that!
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Sun, January 27, 2008 - 2:11 PMHey Dave,
I don't mean to pry, but I was just wondering if you guys are still doing well? Is there ANY hope for the rest of us? Can it be done even when we are hurt and broken? Is there a chance that I can make my love work, too?
Please don't feel like you have to answer those, but just know, I am wishing you very well.
peas,
Zanne -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Tue, January 29, 2008 - 12:28 AMI'm fine, and he is fine, and his partner is fine, and we love each other very much.
I am still loveless and lonely, but that is another subject altogether. -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Sat, February 2, 2008 - 4:02 PMDo you think the lovelessness and loneliness is from all the pain in a way?
I do in my life/relationships, but sometimes I think maybe I'm just making excuses. I blame shit on the pain sometimes and I know I shouldn't. At the same time, it's so fucking hard to make a full on relationship work when I can barely take care of myself. I've become so focused on taking care of my own needs (ie trying to get the fuck out of pain) that I don't know if I could ever fully share myself with someone else.
damnit,
Z -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Mon, February 4, 2008 - 12:17 AMYou now that is an amazing question. I am beginning to understand that I do not need proof that I am loved, but rather, that I simply must love unconditionally and without abandon, without any expectation of ever receiving it back. I have heard this concept for a long time and never ever "GOT IT," until something I read today struck me.
So yeah, no, the two are entirely separate, in my estimation. -
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Re: I thought I learned this 25 years ago, and here we go again.
Mon, February 4, 2008 - 10:43 AMI think every one who lives in chronic pain has learned that you can stay home and hide from the world, in pain, or you can go out with friends and see a movie or eat dinner etc, in pain. We have had to learn that the pain cannot rule our lives. in that vein, we have to give love as you said dave, unconditionally. There are people around us that love us completely and utterly with no expectations from us, and sometimes we fail to see it because of our constant reminders. Learning to live in spite of ourselves is much harder than it seems. Someone once told me this was called living in the moment. I think this might be closer to the definition but I think what has to happen is that we need to give away everything pain included. We easily forget that there are some who would gratefully take our pain for a day just because they love us and want us to have that again. I know that we cannot just give it away but if we can love unconditionally we can give away the pain as well in the same manner.
We have been under some severe weather here in Colorado in the last 2 weeks which has left me mostly bedbound. Too much time to think and focus on the pain instead of what really matters to me.
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