I don't have any experience with it at all. The pain was too much to consider any kind of relationship. I knew I could not fulfill the physical obligations of being a friend or companion (like "Let's go somewhere and do something!" and I don't want to move). People are not very kind and considerate, in general, of people in pain. You have to skip all those people. Especially the ones who use your condition against you. There are a lot of those kinds, unfortunately.

The isolation sucks, but I just can't do the things other people do. I have a good mind. In that it works, I guess. But that doesn't seem to be enough for most people.

Realize that people tend to want a "fast-food relationship". Drive up, pick out what they want, and drive off. And we just aren't going to be picked. We're expensive. We're high maintenance. We require a lot of time. We are not that predictable (as far as mood and level of pain from day to day).

The kinds of people that might be attracted are few and far between.

Likewise, OUR requirements for others, we have them. And there are few people that WE would consider to be acceptable for us. An example might be traveling. Many people love to travel. People in pain don't travel well. I don't, that's for sure. So, no, I don't want to hook up with some guy who is a travel buff or loves weekend jaunts or plans extensive holiday.

His hobbies and/or goals, like maybe he wants to bike across Europe. Um. Not with me. It sounds like fun and romantic and adventurous, but I'm not going to be biking across Europe, or even biking down the street, as I can't image how bad the pain would be to be bent like that.

There's a lot that takes place when we become familiar with long-term pain. Changes in our own lifestyles and lives is hard. But there ARE people who have similar lifestyles that may not be related at all to pain. I'm thinking of people that prefer a comfortable chair and a good book instead of biking across Europe. People that work near home and putter around the house, rather than having to be on-the-go all the time.

Things that I could be enthusiastic about and participate in, have to be fairly limited in physical aspects. But mental things, I can do. Short walks. Talking about life, ideas, books. Playing board games. Enjoying nature, but I can't do a lot of hiking to get to "nature" anymore.

Realize too, that many of these changes take place as we age. The changes in abilities to do activities. The potential for pain, injury, just because we get old and achy. So we are kind of ahead of the rest of our age groups. They'll catch up with us eventually. Ha!

And since that is true, we might want to look for someone with whom we are mentally compatible with anyway. Right? If we're going to end up old farts, chatting up each other about what medications we're on, what aches the most, what doctors we see, we won't be doing any biking across Europe then either. So, we need to find those interesting mental connections, that will last a long time.

What we have to offer is our mind. Our personality. That's what's going to be there (we can hope) when we are very old. Someone that excites our mind or makes us laugh or makes us think. Someone who will accept us as we are, both now, and then.

For me, I am (kinda) lucky to have a partner whom also experiences some degree of pain fairly regularly so she can commiserate with me when times are rough. My pain deals still occasionally screw up the harmony in our relationship, but I guess all relationships have their hurdles.

I actually think that dealing with chronic pain forces one onto a path of self-awareness that can help with relationships. I didn't want pain to be my identity either. I fought and fought and fought but later realized that this struggle alone was becoming my identity, and for me that was worse. Actually, it was learning more about Frida Kahlo that helped inspire me to try and move on. I have conceded to pain as being part of my identity, but just one part.

Though you may not feel like it, you are so much more than just pain, and therefore you have so much more than just your pain to offer in a relationship.

For me, having someone close in my life whom understands first-hand what dealing with pain is like is very important.